Confessions of a Ringwraith
by nephthys5
Summary: Subtitled - How I became a Nazgul. One man's story of his slow and perilous slide into the realm of shadows after he meets Annatar.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.  
  
Author's note: How does one become a Nazgul? That question has bothered me for quite some time. Of course, Tolkien only gives us tantalizing clues to the Ring Wraiths and nothing really solid. He leaves much to our imaginations and for this I am thankful.  
  
What would make one accept one of the Rings of Power? Greed? Fear? The hope that you could do some good? I don't know. But that didn't stop me from speculating.  
  
***** Setting: The year is circa 1950 in the Second Age. The Elves have made the Rings of Power and Sauron has forged the Ruling Ring. The War between Sauron and the Elves has ended and the Elves have hidden the three rings.  
  
******  
  
I was in my 30th year and still quite young for a Numenorean when Master Sorcerer Kendruin chose me for his apprentice.  
  
It was quite startling for me to find the old sorcerer at my door one summer afternoon. I had been out early that morning gathering herbs and returned to find him patiently waiting for me outside the door of my workshop. He hardly ever ventured out of his tower in the castle and for a moment I was paralyzed with fear. He had a frightening reputation as a seer of the future the reader of men's hearts and rumor was he could stop time. What could he possibly want with me? If he were in need of herbs or potions, he would usually send one of the King's young charges to procure them from me. This was highly unusual.  
  
"Greetings, Master Kendriun, what can I do for you this fine day?" I asked him, trying to keep my voice casual and friendly.  
  
He peered at me through intense blue eyes and I felt my knees shake. I felt that my heart was laid naked under his gaze.  
  
"For quite some time I have been watching you," he said levelly. I swallowed hard. I had nothing to hide so why was my heart pounding in my chest like thunder?  
  
"Why?" I asked and opened the door to my workshop, beckoning him to follow me inside.  
  
"It has been many years since I took an apprentice. There has been no one who I have deemed worthy of passing my knowledge to," he ducked into the building following me.  
  
I turned and looked at him curiously. He waited patiently for me to speak. Being the ever-gracious host, I asked him to take a seat and if he would take some refreshment. He smiled and accepted as he easily lowered himself into the chair by the now empty fireplace. I noticed that he was quite lithe despite his advanced years.  
  
I could feel his piercing eyes on me as I moved about the shop gathering a pitcher of water, cups and some fruit for the two of us. I handed him the fruit and a cup of water, pulling a bench over so I could sit facing him.  
  
For several minutes we sat there in the cool dimness of my workshop, enjoying the cold water and the opportunity to be out of the hot sun. Finally, he continued his thought.  
  
"Mikal, I have lived many long years and I fear that I have not many more left. Before my days draw to a close, I need to pass on all that I have learned to someone who could and will appreciate that knowledge. Someone who will expand on the knowledge that I have gained and use it to better the condition of our kingdom," the intense blue eyes studied me again.  
  
"Would you like my opinion on someone?" I asked innocently.  
  
He gave a deep rumble of laughter. "No, my child, I would like to pass my knowledge on to you," he smiled and stroked his lengthy silver beard. I was stunned. "Me?" I asked incredulously. "I don't understand. I thought you had your choice of apprentices from the nobles of the land? I am just a simple man, not a noble. I have had no formal training of any kind."  
  
"I am well aware of your qualities," he nodded. "And that is precisely why I have chosen you. You are eager to learn from any source whether elf, noble or a child on the street. I need to have someone like that to help me and to take my place beside the King when I am gone."  
  
My thoughts whirled and I stared into my water cup thoughtfully. Certainly this was an opportunity that I had never dreamed possible. I looked back at him intently, trying to weigh his words. True, I had never turned down the opportunity to learn from any source, no matter how odd. But surely there had to be some noble or elf-friend that would gladly trade their young years to become an apprentice to the most well known sorcerer in two kingdoms.  
  
As if reading my thoughts, he gently laid a gnarly hand on my wrist. "I know this must come as a shock to you. Please think my offer over. I will send a page for your answer in three days," he said and stood up to leave.  
  
I rose to my feet and took his cup. "What about my mother?" I asked anxiously. I did not want to leave her. My brothers had departed to seek their fortunes elsewhere and I had no other relatives. Although she was quite capable of taking care of herself, I could not consider leaving her without a companion.  
  
He smiled, "Fear not, there is plenty of room for both you and your mother should you chose to accept my offer."  
  
I opened the door for him and bright sunlight flooded into the room. "Three days," he reminded me as he walked out the door and headed down the garden path.  
  
**** 


	2. The Sorcerer's Apprentice

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Kendriun and Mikal are just figments of my imagination.  
  
******  
  
Needless to say, it did not take me three minutes, let alone three days to decide. It was the opportunity of a lifetime and I would have been a fool to pass it up. Ah, to be young and naïve again! But I digress.  
  
The first year passed in a blur with my mother and I taking up residence on the second floor of the tower. We had many hands to help us settle in and everyone was eager to get a look at the sorcerer's new apprentice. Mother was not pleased to move from our serene workshop to the castle with all of the comings and goings and bustle but she soon adjusted to it and made friends with several of the court ladies. They were well impressed with her son and she was very proud of me.  
  
The first time I laid eyes on Kendriun's rooms it was marvelous! It was as if every bit of knowledge ever known to Middle Earth had been accumulated there. Shelves of books lined the walls from floors to ceiling, many careening off shelves in crazy angles. Some books lay opened on tables or stacked in the floor. Strange and fascinating objects that I did not recognize sat on tables or shared space with books on shelves and in the floor. In the far corner of the room was a pedestal shaped like an upturned claw with a large round stone sitting on it giving off a pale pink light.  
  
I looked around in awe and Kendriun opened his arms in a gesture of embrace. "One day this would be all yours," he told me with a broad smile.  
  
For several days, Kendruin allowed me to explore the two rooms that were his working areas. I felt as if I had died and gone to some wonderful place. Certainly not even the Blessed Realms of the Valar could compare to this. It was a world beyond measure far beyond anything I had ever dreamed possible. And he had chosen me to pass it on to after he was gone. I was humbled by his gift and resolved to do everything I could in order to carry on his work.  
  
Reverently, I touched scrolls that had been written in Quenya by elven hands in ages long past, afraid that my human touch would somehow soil the preciousness of their writing. Curiously, I examined Kendruin's strange toys. Some I could not even fathom what they could be and others looked strangely like animal parts – wooden duck feet, paper bird wings and the like. Drawings littered tables and were jammed between and sometimes inside of books. Other unidentified objects were suspended from the crossbeams by a series of ropes and weights. It was all so strange and wonderful at the same time.  
  
Herbs and bottles of ointments and other liquids were contained in the second room of the tower. This was more of my area and I carefully examined his stores as I breathed deeply of the herbarium smells. I was aghast at the sheer variety of samples the room contained. Many of his stores were dried, fresh and liquid. I was wandering the room gazing at the bottles and herbs in awe when I noticed a gray cat curled up on a table in the corner, delicately arranged on what looked like an elvin cloak surrounded by a small stack of books. I smiled, walking over and stroking its head with my fingertips.  
  
"That would be Ghost," Kendruin said as he entered the room and found me bent over the cat. "He's my resident mouse-catcher," he added affectionately.  
  
I smiled and turned up to face him. "I would like to thank you again for choosing me as your apprentice," I began.  
  
He waved his hand dismissively. "How many times must I tell you that it is as much for my benefit as it is for yours? I could not, in good conscience, leave this treasure trove of junk to just anyone. You are one of the few who appreciates it as much as I do. Come, let us begin our journey," he said and drew me out of the herbarium and back into the room of books.  
  
***** 


	3. The Blink of an Eye

*****  
  
It was thus that I learned how to devise potions to cure or kill; spells to cause forgetfulness, to aid memory and to bring love; the secret incantations whereby one could gaze into a mirror and see all possibilities and how to manipulate objects with only my mind and a willow staff. Kendruin was an excellent teacher and I was a voracious student, eager to drink every last drop of knowledge from his vast memory.  
  
For fifty years I stayed with him but it seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Many long hours I spent learning spells and incantations from both Kendriun and his precious books. (Several of these, I must admit, ended in complete disaster and I very nearly blew the room off of the tower on at least one occasion.)  
  
Kendriun never lost patience with me and I know that must have been difficult at times. After all, the only previous experience I had in application was solely with herbs. Spells, incantations, star gazing, scrying, yes, I knew about them but I had never actually tried any of it. (Perhaps if Kendriun had realized this he would have thought twice about recruiting me for his apprentice.)  
  
However, I did learn quickly although I was no match for Kendriun's superior knowledge and experience. He always told me that experience was the best teacher and there were many things that I would not understand until I had done them myself. "There is only so much you can learn from a book, Mikal, the rest must be applied," he would say sagely.  
  
He and I became very close during these years and he was like a second father to me. We kept no secrets from each other. Not that he couldn't just look into my mind if he so desired. It was most difficult for me to conceal my thoughts at times and it was my weakness.  
  
I was always with him in court and watched as he counseled kings and magistrates, in awe of his foresight and steady hand in volatile matters. He was revered by the people and respected by the king and his nobles. What more could a man strive for? I would often wonder. And yet he seemed sad and remorseful at times, lamenting that he would never learn the elvin secrets of mithril or immortality before he left the earthly realm.  
  
"Not that I would want to live forever, you understand, my boy," he would tell me as his gnarly hand grasped my shoulder. "No, I am well-deserving of a rest. However, I would like to have a mithril shirt," he would say and laugh heartily as if it were the best joke in the world.  
  
******  
  
Looking back, those were the best days of my life. The calm before the storm as it were. And then HE came. Oh, how many times have I gazed into that mirror to see what the world would have been like without him? How many nights have I cried to Eru in my agony begging for answers? But none ever came. Instead, a shadow fell over our fair land and it all started with an innocuous visit from Annatar, the self-styled "Lord of Gifts". Had I only known his true guise, I would have destroyed him or perished trying.  
  
Alas, the signs were there but I was too confused and frightened to pay proper attention. And that was my undoing.  
  
**** 


	4. The Lord of Gifts Arrives

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Except for Kendriun and Mikal.  
  
*****  
  
He arrived late one fall afternoon before the first frost, just before the weather turned. I should have taken that as a sign but I did not.  
  
Mother was sitting in the great hall with several of the other court ladies. I was in the herbarium with Ghost number 5 preparing our stores for winter. Kendriun had taken to spending the afternoons sunning him self in the garden as he said it drove the threatening chill of winter from his old bones.  
  
There was a great cry of trumpets and I went to the window to see the cause of the commotion. I had not heard rumor of any visitors and was curious to see who this was. Surely it had to be someone of great importance, judging from his retinue. There were six trumpeters followed by four standard bearers, their red and black flags snapping in the cool breeze. Then came Annatar himself, sitting proudly astride a gray horse and waving gaily to the gathering crowd. Four more standard bearers followed him and a wagon rounded out the troupe.  
  
I ran quickly downstairs to the garden, Ghost at my side and my robe swirling behind us. Kendriun was dozing in the sun and I did not want to disturb the old man so I turned the corner of the tower and made my way into the great hall with only the cat. Certainly mother would know who this was. She always knew the latest gossip!  
  
I found her and the other ladies clucking like a band of disturbed hens. Apparently, the visitor had announced himself to the chancellor and requested an audience with His Majesty. "This was unheard of! What sort of person just marched into town and demanded an audience with the king?" They clucked and wrung their hands in distress at the rudeness of it all.  
  
As if sensing their distain, Annatar moved in to soothe the ruffled feathers. "Most beautiful ladies," he bowed low and removed his red velvet hat in a sweeping gesture. "Please forgive my rudeness. I have come bearing gifts from Numenor for you and your king," he smiled brilliantly.  
  
The clucking stopped but he had not managed to convince them. "Why do you come unannounced, sir?" One of the ladies boldly questioned him.  
  
"Good lady, a messenger announcing my visit should have reached you at least five days ago. Had I known that I was not expected, I certainly would not have intruded upon your hospitality," he bowed again. The ladies exchanged silent looks and must have reached an unspoken consensus because my own mother welcomed him to our realm. Annatar beckoned one of his gift-laden standard bearers join him. As Annatar was introduced to each lady (by my mother no less), he would place a pair of scented leather gloves across her palm. When he turned to me, I took a long look into his blue eyes to fathom his design but, alas, he was much stronger than I and I was fooled by his genteel exterior.  
  
"This is my son, Mikal," my mother said proudly. "He is apprentice to Master Kendriun."  
  
"Master Kendriun?" Annatar seemed surprised. "He is certainly the most renown of sorcerers. And you are his apprentice?" He asked eagerly.  
  
I bowed and extended my hand in greeting. Annatar shook it warmly. "I do hope we can become friends," he smiled at me. His eyes gleamed and he whispered to the gift bearer. The young man produced a small pouch and handed it to his lord.  
  
Annatar opened the pouch and turned it upside down in his palm. There, in the palm of his smooth hand lay the most beautiful ring I have ever seen. It must have been mithril for I have not seen any other metal gleam with such a fire. It was formed with two dragons claws coming together holding a large clear red stone between them. The ring was most cunningly wrought and I could make out every scale on each of the claws.  
  
The ladies gasped in awe. He handed the ring to me. "A gift," he said. "For the future of our friendship."  
  
What power stayed my hand that day, I cannot tell. Certainly, I wanted that ring. It was exquisite. Perhaps I refused because it was so exquisite that I could not bear to put it on and mar it's beauty by wearing it on my rough hands.  
  
"Oh, no, my lord," I gasped. "I could not accept such a beautiful ring. It is too fine for the likes of me. I am yet an apprentice for such a fine piece of work."  
  
My mother was scandalized.  
  
Annatar merely smiled and nodded his understanding, exchanging the ring for an equally exquisite leather book cover that I gratefully accepted in its stead.  
  
**** 


	5. Suspicions

*****  
  
Annatar stayed with us through that long winter and made many friends by his largesse to the magistrates and nobles. I saw much of him over that winter at various court gatherings but he did not venture a visit to our workshop.  
  
The King and royals became more enamored of him as the days passed. He was generous, humorous, and he lent a sympathetic ear or loan to anyone in need. Mother knew I was uneasy around him although I always was polite and courteous to him.  
  
"You do not like him, Mikal, why?" She asked me one late winter evening as we were sitting by the fire after supper. Kendriun had retired to the upper floor of the tower to gaze at the stars through one of his contraptions leaving the two of us downstairs.  
  
I did not answer her for a while for I was not sure what to say. No, I did not particularly care for the man but he had never slighted me or anyone else as far as I knew. Maybe it was because he seemed so likeable that I just couldn't believe his sincerity. Thoughtfully, I scratched Ghost's head as mother continued to sew quietly next to me.  
  
"I don't know, mama," I told her. "He just seems too good to be true sometimes. Giving out the gifts he does to noble and peasant alike as it strikes his fancy. It just seems odd. Not natural. I can't explain it any better than that," I shrugged.  
  
She nodded. "I understand. I, too, have found some of his largesse difficult to grasp but who am I to judge? If he wishes to give his gifts then that is his choice. But I cannot help but wonder . . ." She left the sentence hang unfinished and looked at me with her piercing amber eyes. Her mind was still sharp and her heart perceptive.  
  
"Yes, mama, I have tried to see into his heart," I smiled. She could still read me like a scroll. She hid a smile and waited for me to continue as she sewed.  
  
Ghost hopped off of my lap and went to sit near mother. I stood up and threw another log on the fire, prodding it with an iron and losing my thoughts in the orange flame for several quiet minutes.  
  
I sighed and replaced the iron but did not sit back down. "I cannot see his heart and it frightens me," I confessed.  
  
Mother stopped sewing and looked at me curiously. "Is this unusual?"  
  
"Yes," I admitted. "Usually I can see into men's hearts without much trouble. But with Annatar, I see nothing but emptiness. Not good or bad just nothing. It's quite odd." I paced to the table with my hands behind my back and turned to look at her.  
  
"What do you make of that?" She wondered, continuing with her sewing.  
  
I shook my head and paced back to my chair but I did not sit. "It bothers me. But, as I said before, no one has any complaints against him. Maybe I'm just not as perceptive as I thought I was. I will ask Kendriun what he sees."  
  
She delicately placed her sewing aside and looked directly at me. "Mikal, I do not trust Annatar."  
  
I was shocked. How in the world had she managed to spend so much time in his company? She was the only person who I ever heard utter anything negative about him. My own mother!  
  
"What?" I asked as I went to her side, sitting down on my knees to look at her directly.  
  
"I do not trust him and neither should you," she gently tugged my earlobe as if I were still a child.  
  
"Why? Have you heard something? Seen something? What do you base this on?" I asked anxiously.  
  
She shook her head. "The same thing you base your opinion on. I cannot see into his heart and he seems too good to be true. Understand that he is charming and intelligent and quite handsome but there is something missing. Like when you break open a loaf of bread to find that the inside hasn't risen," she said.  
  
I shivered and got up to stand next to the fire. We watched each other in silence for mother and I did not need words to communicate. We spoke no more of the matter but our hearts were aligned.  
  
It was soon after our conversation that the shadow fell over my heart. 


	6. The Darkness Grows

A/N:

ElvenPirate41: Thank you for your review. I wanted to send you a personal e-mail and explain the reason this was delayed but, alas, your email is not published (not that I fault you for that – neither is mine).  
  
Darkaus: Thank you. I hope you received my note.  
  
My beta and I were having a bit of a disagreement about the story. He wanted it to have more detail but I found that the more detail I gave, the more it creeped me out and I just couldn't write it anymore. But since you were both so kind to review one of my personal favorite stories (weird, eh? It really bothers me to write it and yet it's one of my favorites), I'll post what I have and try to finish it (I have the outline complete, I just haven't been able to get on with it!)

* * *

Spring came late that year, bringing torrential rains that flooded some homes near the coast. Kendriun and I did all in our power to stop the rains and keep the flooding to a minimum. After three days, the rain finally abated and the King issued forth to view the damage and re-assure the people that he had not forgotten them in their despair.  
  
Annatar volunteered his retainers to help with the rebuilding efforts and extended generous loans to those who needed to re-build their homes. No effort was spared to bring the town back to prosperity and the flooding was quickly forgotten as mid-summer approached.  
  
The wet weather, however, had brought the coughing illness on my mother. She had come down with this malady previously but this time it was much worse. I tried every herbal remedy I could think of but despite my best efforts to heal her she only became weaker. It still pains me to speak of this.  
  
Was I not the most renowned herbalist for many a day's journey? Then why could I not heal her? In desperation, I turned to Kendriun for help. Certainly between the two of us we should be able to find some remedy to cure her.  
  
The coughing sickness taxed her strength and made her dependent upon me to care for her and she forbade me to drag her pain out. She simply wanted to die painlessly in peace with me at her side. It shocked and frightened me to see such a vibrant woman struck so suddenly and violently with the coughing sickness. It was almost as if there were evil working against her.  
  
From early in the mornings until late in the evenings, I combed through books, manuscripts and worked on potions for her but nothing seemed to work. Several times I woke up on the floor from where I had fallen from my chair in a sound sleep.  
  
I was nearly beside myself with panic. Kendriun and I did everything in our collective power to ease her pain but her last few days were agonizing. I would have gladly traded her places but I could not.  
  
She clung to life for one phase of the moon and then quietly succumbed to death early one morning as I slept by her side.  
  
I was inconsolable for days. In my grief, I neglected my duties to Kendriun but the old man patiently understood my pain and let me be. Now he was the only person dear to me that I had left.  
  
I was more determined than ever to learn all of the sorcerer's secrets. I felt a terrible guilt for my mother's death. If only I had been more skilled, if only I had been more perceptive and stronger. Never mind that not even Kendriun himself could cure her. My grief and guilt weighed heavily upon me and I never forgave myself for not being able to save her.  
  
It was several months after my mother's passing that Annatar paid a visit to the tower to speak to Kendriun. I was surprised to find him there as he usually spent his time with the magistrates or other nobles and rarely bothered with Kendriun or me.  
  
Of course, Annatar was one of the first to console me after mothers passing but his words were soon forgotten. It was all so many insincere platitudes that he regularly dispensed but I accepted his condolences politely. I did not trust him but it was no reason to be outright rude to him.  
  
Finding him with Kendriun sent a chill up my spine. _What is he doing here?_ I wondered, watching him warily. Did he feel safer now that my mother was gone? _He must want something very badly to come here after all this time, _I thought. Then I reconsidered. Maybe I was being a bit hasty.  
  
"Ah, Mikal, join us!" Kendriun waved me over to where he and Annatar were sitting on a bench in the herbarium.  
  
"Good afternoon, my lord Annatar," I said politely and bowed to Master Kendriun.  
  
I placed my basket of fresh herbs on the table next to them and began to sort them out as the two of them talked.  
  
"Mikal," Annatar said turning to look at me. "Master Kendriun and I were discussing the powers of the Eldar and their secrets. Why do they not share the secrets of their powers with us?" He asked me.  
  
"I had not considered this question before," I admitted. "Certainly, I have spoken of some things with the Eldar in days past but I never ventured to ask their secrets."  
  
"And had you asked, you would have been coldly rebuffed," Annatar warned. "They do not willingly share their secrets with men." My curiosity aroused, I fell to his bait. "Why not?" I asked.  
  
"Ah, my good man, they are afraid that if men knew their secrets that we would become more powerful than they," he winked at me knowingly.  
  
"Bah!" Dismissed Kendriun. "They have no need for the likes of us. Why would we teach a dog our secret arts when they would have no idea what they are learning? The Eldar feel the same way about us. We may learn but we wouldn't understand," he grunted.  
  
Annatar considered this reasoning for a moment. "What if there were a way to understand their knowledge?" he asked.  
  
"What do you mean? What sort of "way"?" Kendriun asked suspiciously.  
  
"I mean, what if it were possible to see into the depths of their knowledge and gain their understanding of the world?" Annatar asked smoothly. "Say, if there were a mirror or a stone that would give one the power to reach into the very minds of the Valar and probe their knowledge and understanding. What would that be worth?" His raised his eyes to mine and I shivered. His eyes were as cold and flat as stone.  
  
Kendriun was still dismissive. "If such a thing existed, it certainly would have been known long before now," he said. "I can't see the Eldar being so foolish to allow such a thing to be created without their knowledge."  
  
I said nothing but kept my eyes on the two men, my herb sorting task forgotten. The tension in the room was as thick as the summer air outside.  
  
"Perhaps," admitted Annatar. "I was only speculating. Such a thing would be a veritable treasure, yes?" He asked with a smile.  
  
"Yes, it would be quite an interesting experiment," acknowledged Kendriun. "However, I don't believe I'm in a mind to bring down the wrath of the Valar upon us," he chuckled.  
  
I sighed with relief. Kendriun did not become the most famous sorcerer in two kingdoms by being an idiot. I went back to my herb sorting task and the conversation turned to more mundane matters. I listened with only one ear as my mind was mulling over the previous conversation. Annatar was poking at something but I could not quite grasp it and it annoyed me.  
  
_Why did he concern himself with the Valar? He was no sorcerer – was he?_ The thought nagged at me for several days. Perhaps that is why neither mother nor I could see into his heart – he was a sorcerer more powerful than even Kendriun.

_Was that even possible?_ I asked myself. No, it could not be possible. _A sorcerer that powerful could not exist here, certainly._ But I still could not shake my suspicions.

* * *


	7. An Omen of things to come

Summer turned into fall and we saw more and more of Annatar in our tower, much to my chagrin. I found it odd how he suddenly became interested in us after mother had passed but I remembered my manners and did not blatantly ask him why. In retrospect, it would have saved me much misery and pain but I digress.  
  
He had taken a great interest in our work and would often stop by and spend hours talking to Kendriun about various topics from alchemy to astrology and medicine to casting runes.  
  
His favorite, of course, was the secret knowledge of the Eldar and how it could be gained. Kendriun would listen affably but refuse to mettle in the affairs of the Elves. If they desired a human apprentice, they would take one was his philosophy and I was inclined to agree.  
  
I could not understand his obsession with this "secret knowledge" he was determined that they possessed. _If it were secret, then how did he know about it?_ I often wondered but kept that biting comment behind my teeth. It seemed to me that he knew more about the Eldar than he was telling us and I became more suspicious of him.  
  
However, by all his outward appearances, he seemed the perfect guest. He even gifted Kendriun with a stunning collection of manuscripts in the original Quenya. I was amazed at such a generous gift but Annatar insisted that Kendriun accept them. He knew of no other sorcerer or wizard who could even begin to understand the knowledge they contained.  
  
Perhaps that was his ploy all along, I reasoned. He wanted the secret knowledge of the scrolls but was unable to unlock it himself. He needed Kendriun and me to do it for him. Well, I determined, until I know what he is truly about, I will not reveal anything I glean from them.  
  
It was during this time that I began to have nightmares about the end of the world.  
  
I hadn't had nightmares since I came to be Kendriun's apprentice and that is saying something! Considering all of the strange books, scrolls, stories and objects I was exposed to on a daily basis, I should have been having nightmares long before.  
  
The dream started differently but always ended the same. I would be in the tower and a shadow would fall across the land. I heard people screaming and crying but when I ran to help, I couldn't find my way out of the door. I was trapped inside the tower as darkness fell and the terrified screams increased. Panic would set in and I would try every spell I knew to lift the darkness or find the door but nothing helped. The more I tried, the darker it became and the more frenzied the screams. I felt so helpless and terrified. If only I could lift the darkness or find the door, I knew I could help those desperate people but I was trapped.  
  
I would wake up with a start, my nightclothes soaked in sweat and my bed disheveled. I never spoke of my nightmares to Kendriun and to this day I cannot say why.  
  
When the morning came, I felt foolish for behaving like a frightened child and so kept the dreams to myself. Ah, foolish pride! Had I known they were but an omen of times to come! 


	8. The Hard Winter

LOTRlover – thank you for the review. Sometimes I don't even feel like I'm writing this – it's almost like I'm taking dictation and I, too, want to shout at Mikal "WAKE UP!"

* * *

Kendriun suspected I was hiding something but I did not want to burden him with my dreams. They were only dreams, I reasoned, and there was no need for me to lay them on him. He had so many other matters to attend to that were more important.  
  
The King needed Kendriun's advice more than ever – strange events began to happen in the kingdom. Shepherds living outside if the town walls had reported several sheep had been slaughtered by what appeared to be werewolves. Giant bats appeared at midday during the fall equinox and rats infested the grain stores.  
  
Kendriun confided that he took these unfortunate series of events as an ill omen. Some evil was stirring in the land and he was determined to put a stop to it.  
  
Rumors of raiding parties soon reached our ears and the King decreed that anyone living outside of the city walls could not be guaranteed protection from the raiders. For the first time in many years, we had to post armed guards at the perimeter of our village to protect ourselves from the wolves and raiders.  
  
It was a very dangerous time but somehow Annatar managed to continue receiving and bestowing his lavish gifts. It seemed that wherever someone was in need, he heard of it and ran to the rescue. I often wondered how his wares managed to make it past all of the raiders and bandits while many of our merchants were robbed or beaten or worse. But he never lost a man. Not a one.  
  
It was at this time Kendriun began to suspect that Annatar was in league with these dark forces. Had either of us suspected that he was the cause of this mischief, we would have immediately set to work against him.  
  
You see, he was still gathering his strength in those days. The wars against the Eldars had taken a terrible toll on his strength and had we but known who he truly was, together Kendriun and I would have been strong enough to put an end to him once and for all.  
  
But, alas! I digress once again and that was not meant to be. For he was still strong enough to cloud our vision and obscure his black heart from even Kendriun's most penetrating gaze and we remained ignorant of his true designs.  
  
The darkness of late winter was heavy upon the land but still the raiders continued unabated. The guards had killed several of them and they had never managed to break through our defenses but it was still unnerving nonetheless.  
  
The King was understandably anxious for the welfare of his people and Kendriun and I spent many hours making protective talismans for the guards and trying to discover the source of this evil.  
  
Both men showed the strains of their office. Kendriun, who was usually quite even tempered, had become more impatient and volatile. The King became more quick to anger and quarrelsome. I withdrew into myself and kept to the books and scrolls in the library, hoping to find some "cure" for this degeneration. It was like some rotting disease had infested our kingdom but the symptoms were vague so there was no definite treatment.  
  
I was determined to treat this evil by whatever means necessary and began to pour over the ancient Quenya scrolls that Annatar had given Kendriun in the hopes of finding some answer. Of course, one always looks for the most complicated answers first instead of the simplest cures. As it turns out, I tried several rather complicated spells and counter curses in a vain attempt to banish the evil before I finally remembered mother's cure for everything.  
  
I took several cloves of garlic from my stores and chopped them up very fine. Then I placed a bit of garlic in any container I could find – old pots, glass vials, cheesecloth, broken bits of armor or pottery – and set them about the perimeter of the town after I had warned the guards of my intention.  
  
As if by some miracle, the evil that seemed to hang over our heads was soon on the run. The wolves would not dare venture near our walls and we were able to reduce the number of guards as long as the garlic stores held up and I had plenty.  
  
We even placed garlic among the grain stores to deter the rats. Our stores had grown very low during the long winter and we had to protect what remained to keep the village from starving. Famine was always an unwelcome guest.  
  
Kendriun was amazed but I should have known. Garlic has always been known as a very hearty deterrent to evil and it was mother's cure for whatever ailed me. Why it took me so long to remember this, I can only guess.  
  
The smell of garlic permeated my herbarium for several weeks but I did not mind. I rather enjoyed the pungent odor. The garlic also had the strange effect of keeping Annatar from lingering too long in the vicinity. He did not completely stop coming around – that would have been too suspicious. He simply made his visits much shorter although he continued to press Kendriun about what he had learned from the scrolls.  
  
Alas, we were too preoccupied at this time to notice this odd detail. Even though the garlic had banished the wolves and rats, we still had the raiders to contend with and they had grown bolder and more desperate as the winter wore on.  
  
Kendriun spent much of his time scrying in an effort to find out who or what was behind the raiding. He felt that the attacks and raids were purposeful rather than random but he could not be sure. Each time he tried to see into the hearts of those devils, he was repelled. He began to believe that some great evil was working though the raiders whether they were aware of it or not.  
  
All of the signs and omens were there but I was either too young or too naïve to see them. I had put my faith in Kendriun's knowledge and my own ability. Why we waited so long before we confided our suspicions in each other is still a mystery to me. Had I spoken up sooner about my nightmares and suspicions of Annatar, I would be a very different man today. Yes, a very different man. I would still be a man and not merely a shadow of my former self. 


	9. Meeting in the Herbarium

Author Notes: These next few chapters have not been beta'd so all the errors are mine. Please let me know if you find any glaring inconsistencies.

* * *

I was in the herbarium one spring day preparing my cottage for the summer season when Kendriun paid me what would be his last visit. All of the windows as well as the door were open to let in the bright sunshine and a crisp breeze blew through the place rustling the dried plants hanging from the rafters.  
  
I was sorting pots and taking inventory when my master ducked into the cottage and pulled up the old wooden rocker.  
  
"Good day, Master Kendriun," I greeted him cheerily. The sun was out, the wolves were banished and we had survived the winter without starving. I was feeling quite optimistic about the future.  
  
"Mikal," the old man answered gravely.  
  
"Does something ail you?" I questioned hearing the tone of his voice.  
  
He frowned but said nothing so I continued my task. He would speak when he was ready and not before. I head learned this the hard way.  
  
For several minutes the only sound was his breathing and the creaking of the rocker against the stone floor. Such soothing sounds those were! It is odd how even the most mundane of sounds would be like music to my ears now but then it was just a distraction.  
  
"Mikal, what did your mother say to you before she died?" Kendriun asked a bit bluntly.  
  
I was startled at his question. Normally he would have been much more polite and delicate. Something must be terribly wrong, I realized.  
  
"She told me that she was suspicious of Annatar," I admitted. "Why?"  
  
Kendriun's clear eyes studied me for a moment, probing, questioning. I squirmed uncomfortably. What was he searching for that he could just not ask of me? I wondered.  
  
"Your mother was a very keen woman," he finally said quietly. "I believe that is the reason she died."  
  
My jaw dropped at his revelation. "How do you know this?" I demanded hotly.  
  
He held up a gnarled hand to stay my anger. "It is merely a suspicion. Nothing proven. Only what an old sorcerer sees and hears," he calmed me.  
  
I put my pots down on the table and walked over to sit on the bench near him.  
  
"Tell me everything," I demanded. "Leave nothing out. I need to know what happened to her."  
  
He sighed heavily and began to rock again.  
  
"Your mother told you that she was suspicious of Annatar, yes?" Kendriun confirmed. I nodded.  
  
"She also told me of her suspicions and something more. She was most concerned for you. For whatever reason, she believed that Annatar was trying to ensnare you into . . ." here he paused then shook his head. "Something. She wasn't sure."  
  
I frowned. "This doesn't make any sense. Why would she tell you and not me?"  
  
"She wanted me to protect you from him," Kendriun admitted. "She felt that your power was still too uncontrollable and you too eager to please and she worried that Annatar would try and take advantage of you and your power."  
  
That sounded quite like mother, I had to admit. She knew me well enough to know that I would have scoffed at her idea that I could not control my own power. The truth is most of us never really understand how powerful we actually are although it may be completely obvious to everyone around us.  
  
I grunted in annoyance. I was no longer a child and isn't that the reason I was here to begin with? To learn how to control my power?  
  
Kendriun gave a brief smile reading my thoughts. "There are easier paths than others to take. She worried that in your eagerness to please me that you would use any means necessary to hasten your learning process."  
  
I studied him for several minutes, the ache of mother's absence settling over me like a dark cloud. I missed her terribly and would have given anything to speak to her again.  
  
"Why didn't she tell me?" My voice cracked.  
  
"Mikal, she worried. I believe she was right to worry and that she knew more about Annatar than she ever let on. She saw him more than we did. She watched him as he went about his business in the court and I believe that when she became suspicious of him, he set out to eliminate her," he said forcefully.  
  
"Why? She was no threat to him! I cannot believe it! She died of the coughing sickness!" I was becoming angry. Why did he insist on dragging this up? She was gone and no amount of speculation would bring her back.  
  
Kendriun grew impatient. "Listen to me, my young and foolish apprentice! Your mother was quite powerful in her own right but not nearly as powerful as you. She knew this. She also saw how Annatar was trying to tempt you by various gifts. Now perhaps he is trying to lure you away to his home, I do not know. But I find it troubling that neither of us can see into his heart. If his motive is simply greed then it should be easy enough to see. But it is not."  
  
I considered this for a minute. "Why me?" I finally asked. "If he was going to tempt someone, why not you?" It seemed the natural choice.  
  
Kendriun sighed heavily and shook his head at me. "I am old and grow less powerful with each passing season. You, however, are just starting to reach the heights of your power and you will be much more powerful than I was. I had no teacher," he said softly. "But you, you have the innate power and someone to teach you."  
  
"So she believed that he was trying to lure me away to his kingdom?" I said slowly, the light finally dawning on me. That would make sense but why all of the secrecy? And why would he want to eliminate her for suspecting his motives? That was troubling to me.  
  
"Yes," Confirmed Kendriun. "I believe she may have been correct. Mikal, you are still learning and it will be several more years before you have learned how to properly control your powers but you must learn! Do not take be tempted by promises or gifts. Power can be used for either good or evil and the best intentions can become the worst evil. Your mother understood this and wanted to protect you until you learned control."  
  
I frowned again and scratched my head. "But this doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't he want a sorcerer who could control his power?"  
  
Kendriun shrugged and rose from the rocker. "Perhaps he wants to be the one to teach you," the old man said and laid his hand on my shoulder protectively.  
  
I stood up to look my master in the eye. "But I would never leave you, Master Kendriun. You have been more than kind to me and I am treated with respect and trusted."  
  
The old conjurer smiled broadly. "Thank you, Mikal. I am very proud of you. You have come a long way from that first year,"he said and moved toward the door.  
  
I followed him and watched as he walked toward the tower, my mind still spinning from his revelations. I was flattered that he believed Annatar was trying to lure me away from him but I was also suspicious. Annatar was no sorcerer – he had said so himself! So what did he believe he could teach me? I was a sorcerer's apprentice and I was happy. My place was here, with Kendriun and I vowed that nothing could take me away from him. 


	10. A Gift

That summer was a reprieve from all of the evils that had plagued us. The raiders had moved on (or been sufficiently decimated that they no longer had the strength to attack us), the wolves had been banished and the villagers who had taken shelter inside the walls now returned to their homes.  
  
With the beautiful weather I was busily planting my herbs or diligently studying late into the evening. Ah! I can still remember the faint smells of basil and lavender hanging on the warm summer breezes as the fading sun threw pink and violet streaks across the sky. How I miss the colors! My world is now only shades of grey. This was the last peaceful time in my life that I remember when I was still pure of heart and innocent.  
  
After this summer, my life became not my own although I would not be aware of that for many years. Ah, the folly of youth and ignorance! How I long to return to those days but it will never come again for the likes of me.  
  
Even if I were to be released from my bonds I doubt if death would have me. There is truly no rest for the wicked. It pains me to speak of that time and I beg your indulgence. You see I still had a choice although I was not aware that one had been offered to me. No, I was too confused and too anxious to do what was right to see the terrible choice.  
  
Mother had been right all along and now I understand why Annatar felt so threatened by her. She understood me better than he did and he could not abide by that. For he wanted total and utter control of my will and the only way he could obtain it was to destroy those who knew me better than I knew myself. And so he set himself to this nefarious task.  
  
The days grew shorter as summer drifted lazily into fall. Annatar continued to pay his visits to the tower and I continued to watch him suspiciously, never finding fault with any of his actions nor his manners. It was annoying to me. I knew something was wrong with the man but I just could not put my finger on it and I could not, in good conscience, blatantly ignore and avoid him. He had never done anything outwardly to harm me and until he did, I did not feel I had any reason to treat him badly.  
  
But I listened and watched as if he were some deadly snake that may strike at any moment.  
  
He had recently returned from his home bearing more gifts for everyone that he dispensed with his usual largesse. For Kendriun, he returned with a small mithril dagger that he said he had obtained from the dwarves. I was stunned by such a gorgeous and cunningly wrought knife. Kendriun graciously accepted the gift with a smile and I have to admit I was rather envious of such a splendid object.  
  
For me, Annatar had acquired a gazing stone from the elves. It was small but breathtaking in its perfection. My eyes nearly came out of my head at the sight of it and I was at a complete loss for words. I strangely felt guilty for suspecting him of everything from the wolves to my mother's death and I accepted his gift partly to assuage my own guilt.  
  
"It is truly from the elves?" I marveled as I removed the small sphere from its dragon claw stand to examine it more closely.  
  
Annatar beamed at me. "Yes, yes it is! When I saw it I thought of you and knew you would appreciate its beauty."  
  
I turned it over in my hands lovingly, feeling its exquisite smoothness. It seemed to glow from the inside and I was fascinated by it.  
  
"How does it work?" I wondered as I handed it to Kendriun to examine.  
  
The Lord of Gifts shrugged. "I am not certain. The individual I obtained it from was not very wise and did not understand the value of the object. To him it was merely a nice bauble."  
  
Kendriun remained silent as he examined the stone, a frown of deep concentration on his face. He grunted then handed the object back to me as I looked at him questioningly.  
  
"I think it is closed to us for now. Perhaps someone unskilled has tried to use it and damaged it in some way. Mikal may be able to bring it back to working condition," Kendriun said thoughtfully and I was determined to do just that.  
  
As it happened, when the stone did open up to me, I was completely caught off guard by it. It happened one winter morning after the first snowfall. I was sitting near the fire in the tower mending a pair of my wool socks when I happened to glance up at the stone as it sat on the mantle above the fire.  
  
A glowing mist seemed to have appeared inside it and I stood up to get a better look at it, thinking that it was just the reflection of the fire upon its surface. As I drew close, I could see the light inside the stone growing brighter and swirling around, like someone had lit a candle in a smoky room. I gazed into it, fascinated by the spinning smoke and light when suddenly the smoke vanished and I could see myself in the sphere.  
  
I gasped and took a step back for the image of myself that I saw was one of an older me, clothed in fine robes and standing next to a king that I did not recognize. My surprise at the image seemed to break the connection and the light in the stone faded until it was gone all together.  
  
With a trembling hand, I removed the stone from its perch and stared at it in fascination. How had I established a connection to the stone? I was eager to try and get it to work again but, alas, it remained dark and unyielding to my efforts. 


	11. A Sudden Misfortune

As the depths of winter drew nearer, we prepared the garlic in anticipation of the return of the fell creatures that had plagued us the winter before. The wolves did not return nor did the rats but the bandits were as fearsome as ever.  
  
But we were prepared for them and so their raiding did not instill nearly as much terror as their initial appearance had.  
  
I spoke to Kendriun about the stone and what it had revealed to me. He was mildly interested and urged me not to try too hard to make it reveal its secrets to me. "All in good time, Mikal," he would say. But then he also said that experience was the best teacher. Perhaps he meant to tell me that all experience comes in time and teaches us when we are ready. Perhaps. I will never know.  
  
He was returning from the Great Hall late one snowy evening and I was stargazing in the tower when the final blow to my will was struck.  
  
The stars were slightly veiled making me anxious with worry. That was never a good sign. Kendriun had been in the Great Hall consulting with the King regarding the raiders and I could see his shadow walking across the snowy cobblestones back to the tower and I waved down at him.  
  
He smiled and waved back. "I hope you have that fire going, Mikal! My old bones are frozen!"  
  
I laughed. "I will throw another log on the fire just to make certain," I answered before heading downstairs to do just that.  
  
When I did not hear his footsteps on the stairs, I became anxious but thought maybe someone had stopped him in the courtyard after hearing his voice. The minutes ticked by and I grabbed my cloak and ran outside into the night, frightened that something had happened to him. If Kendriun left me, what would I do?  
  
In a panic, I began calling his name. A groan answered me and I rushed toward the noise, nearly tripping over my fallen master who lay in a shadow on the cold hard stones.  
  
"Master Kendriun!" I shouted. "Someone bring me a light!" I cried into the stillness. "Master Kendriun is hurt!"  
  
I held him and tried to comfort him as best I could but the light was dim and I could not see what had happened to him. The back of his head was sticky with blood and I could see slip marks in the snow near him.  
  
"Did you fall?" I asked anxiously.  
  
He moaned but I could not make out an answer.  
  
One of the stable boys appeared with a torch and soon others, including Annatar and the King, had gathered around us.  
  
"Get one of the wide boards from the stable. We will have to carry him inside," I ordered, all of my training coming instinctively to me.  
  
Two of the boys rushed off to do my bidding and I began issuing orders for herbs to be brought to the tower, water boiled and bandages gathered. Several people ran off to do my bidding while the King and Annatar watched anxiously.  
  
When the boys returned, the King, Annatar and myself gently eased Kendriun onto the board and carried him carefully into the tower, placing him near the fire. I dismissed the others saying that they had done what they could for him.  
  
The King was understandably anxious for his sorcerer and pestered me with questions until I begged him to return to his bed. There was nothing he could do for Kendriun and I did not need the added distraction of his anxiety.  
  
Annatar remained silent and helped me to clean and dress Kendriun's wounds. It seemed so selfless to me at the time. But I digress once again!  
  
After the old sorcerer seemed to be resting peacefully, I scurried to the herbarium to mix up a poultice for his wound and potion to ease his pain. When I returned, I found Annatar standing over Kendriun, murmuring some words. Kendriun's mouth was moving but his eyes were shut tight.  
  
"What is he saying?" I asked anxiously.  
  
"I do not know," Annatar answered. "I ask him to speak louder but I cannot understand him."  
  
I bent low and placed my ear to his lips but I could not make out any intelligible speech.  
  
I sighed with regret and began to carefully place the poultice on his wound. Then I dribbled a bit of the pain potion in his mouth and murmured some healing spells. It would be up to Kendriun's innate strength whether he survived or not. I would do what I could but if the old man decided to flee his body then there would be no way for me to stop him.  
  
The tears welled up in my eyes, as I looked down upon him so pale and frail in the weak morning sun. I felt like an orphan already.  
  
Annatar placed a re-assuring hand on my arm and silently left me brooding by my master's side. 


	12. Woe!

Desperately I prayed to whatever higher powers might be listening. I was still too inexperienced to be without Kendriun and I needed his gentle guidance to reach my full potential.  
  
I became desperate, much like I had when mother fell ill and all of the pain and insecurities I felt at her illness came back to me tenfold. Kendriun was the nearest thing to family that I had left and I did not know I could stand to lose him.  
  
I still blamed myself for my mother's death and now Kendriun's life was in my hands – or so I thought. Even now it pains me to think that no matter what I did my dear friend and mentor was doomed. We had all been doomed from the start.  
  
The tough old sorcerer held on for another week but he never became conscious again. There were two days when I thought he might finally be coming out of his stupor but he succumbed to his wounds.  
  
As near as anyone could tell, he had slipped on the snowy cobblestones and fallen, striking his head and this caused his death. At least, that is what the Kings crowner decreed.  
  
I was desolate with grief and lingered by his graveside begging him for some sign that he had not totally abandoned me. I was forsaken, like a child lost and alone in a world full of evil. I thought I would go mad with grief and refused to eat or sleep as a twisted sort of self-inflicted punishment to myself.  
  
I had failed them both and I did not deserve to live. I was a failure. I could not take my place beside the king as his advisor. The two people dearest to me had died because I could not save them. How could I go on pretending to be a competent sorcerer and herbalist when it was painfully obvious that I could not heal the sick nor comfort the dying?  
  
Grief overtook me and it seemed that I, too, would surely perish. And then, like a miracle, the seeing stone that Annatar had given me so long ago showed me another vision.  
  
I was sitting across the room from it, staring moodily into the fire lamenting my worthlessness when the mist began to swirl again in the stone. I blinked at it, thinking it must be an illusion but the mist in the stone began to clear and I walked over to it and gazed deeply into its depths.  
  
The scene was much the same as before. It was I and I was older with grey hair and a short grey beard. I was standing next to a king that I did not recognize and both of us were dressed in splendid robes. My robes were of deep purple velvet trimmed in silver and I was holding a staff that was capped by the very seeing stone in front of me.  
  
Upon my finger was the mithril ring that Annatar had offered to me so long ago. I gasped again. The figures were smiling at each other and seemed to be speaking but I could not hear the words. As the image began to fade, I cried out but it paid me no mind and the stone went dark.  
  
That was the first night in nearly three weeks since Kendriun's death that I slept through the night and had no nightmares. I was by no means "healed" but I was at least functional and could resume my duties. I believed that is what the sphere was trying to tell me – that I still had my duties.  
  
Of course, the seeing stone was merely an instrument of evil but I did not know that. It had shown me what I wanted to see nay, what I NEEDED to see and so I believed it. 


	13. Lingering Doubts

And so I took my place beside the King as his sorcerer and advisor. The court welcomed me with open arms and many of my mother's friends praised my knowledge and skills. I still was not convinced that I would be of much use to anyone. I still felt myself only an apprentice playing in his master's robes.  
  
Kendriun's death hung over me like a black cloud but no one else blamed me for the old man's fall. Many offered their condolences to me and I was touched at their sincerity. I had come to believe that I was a total failure for not being able to prevent neither his nor my mother's demise.  
  
Alas, not even all the powers of elves could have healed them for I had been a marked man from the beginning. And even now that I know the truth, I still carry the weight of that guilt with me. Why? Because if it weren't for me they would still be alive. My life and power was the ultimate reason for their deaths and I will never be able to forgive myself for that.  
  
It was during this period of weakness and self-doubt that I actually became more familiar with Annatar. Oh, woe to me! Had I but known this was his evil design all along I would have fought him to my last breath! But darkness never sleeps; it simply waits. It waits until we are weak and frightened and then it slips in and quietly covers us before we are able to recognize it for what it truly is. By then, we are powerless to counter it.  
  
Spring and the promise of new life awakening after the long winter but I found no joy in the sunshine. Like one devoid of life, I went through the motions of casting weather and planting advisories, gathering herbs, preparing potions and advising the king. My heart had ceased to feel anything but pain.  
  
I was gathering herbs in the garden one day when Annatar approached me.  
  
"Mikal," he said gently. "I am very sorry for your loss. You have had a very difficult year. Is there anything I can do to ease your burden?"  
  
I sighed heavily and faced him across a stretch of Basil. "Thank you, my lord Annatar, but I'm not sure if anyone can ease my burden," I said quietly.  
  
"Your heart is troubled," he nodded. "You fear that you are not up to the task your master has left you," he said kindly.  
  
"Yes," I admitted and lowered my eyes.  
  
"You are more than capable of carrying on his work," Annatar reassured me and placed his hand over mine on the herb basket handle. Any resistance I had left against him completely vanished in that instant.  
  
"Won't you come inside so we can talk?" I asked him. I needed someone besides poor Ghost to lay my troubles on.  
  
Annatar smiled. "Of course," he said and followed me into the herbarium.  
  
Over the long summer, Annatar paid me a weekly visit and we took up discussing many topics that he and Kendriun had haggled over. Gradually, I began to heal the grief of his death but I still had the nagging doubt in my mind that I was not able to take his place.  
  
If I voiced such misgivings, Annatar would smile and re-assure me that I was being foolish. "Certainly, if His Majesty did not believe you were up to the task, he would not have appointed you," he would reason. 


	14. A Slippery Slope

Despite Annatar's frequent visits to what was now my tower, I still missed Kendriun and my mother. For many moons after Kendriun's death, I tried to contact him in the Halls of Mandos but had little success. I had never been much of a necromancer to begin with and Kendriun had refused to teach me that particular "art" for he deemed it unnecessary.

"There is nothing that the dead know that the living cannot," he told me one more than one occasion. He put his trust in his scrying mirrors, runes and crystal gazing and felt there was no need to disturb the peaceful dead. "Let them sleep, Mikal, they deserve a rest." He told me on more than one occassion.

But I was frightened and alone and I needed my master or my mother to advise me. The King was now depending on me to dispense wise advice but how could I advise him when I could not even help myself?

I was weak and foolish, believing that if only I could speak to Kendriun one last time that all would be well. It would be fair to say that I was obsessing over contacting him. But the door to the Halls of Mandos remained closed to me and I was left utterly alone save for Ghost and Annatar.

Gradually, Annatar began to pay me more frequent and longer visits in the tower. On many a warm summer evening we would gaze at the stars and speak of the passage of time. What was time? Why did men die and the Eldar live on? What of dwarves and trolls? Were they immortal? Why were man and beasts the only mortals? Could man become immortal? Should man be immortal?

It was through these frequent and stimulating conversations that Annatar perceived my weakness. It was my innate curiosity. The same trait that Kendriun had admired and the reason he had chosen me to be his apprentice in the first place.

Of course, I did not know it at the time, but Annatar had also chosen me to be his apprentice. He had completed the first part of his nefarious scheme – to tear me away from those I loved, the steadying and balancing influences in my life so he could more easily control and manipulate me.

For that is what Annatar is ultimately about – he seeks not to destroy completely but to _control _completely. His only desire is complete and total domination of all wills, thoughts, pleasures and ideas. He accepts no half measures and will devour or destroy any who stand in his way. And he will stop at nothing to achieve his designs. But I have strayed from my story once again.

So let me return to that summer when Annatar first began to manipulate me in earnest. Once he had discovered that my curiosity was boundless, he began to question me on various aspects of sorcery and divination. He understood that if I could not answer his question that I would search for an answer. At first, I found this an amusing and diverting game between the two of us.

Gradually his questions became more challenging. Little did I know that he was covertly leading me down a very dangerous path. His manipulations were so subtle that before I knew it, all of my suspicions about him were replaced by a grudging admiration.

All of the questions he had asked Kendriun and I had scorned I now attacked with vigor – especially the question of the Eldar – why they were immortal and men were not. It was our favorite topic and we never tired of it. He knew this and continued to pull me along, my curiosity insatiable. He had me in his clutches and his grip was growing ever tighter although I was oblivious to it.

Yes, I had grown to consider Annatar a "friend". He was everything I needed him to be. He stimulated my intellect, challenged my ideals and gave me confidence. Oh, yes, he offered sweet friendship and I accepted. There was no one to warn me anymore about his true nature. He had seen to that. And so I slipped farther and farther under his spell.

Forgive me if I recall these days and Annatar's friendship fondly. He and I had become quite close after Kendriun's death (as was his plan all along). How much different would my life be if Annatar were an honest man? How different would this world be if he had been an honest man? It pains me to even think of such things.


	15. The Ring

A/N: I apologize for not updating this frequently. It hits very close to home and is quite difficult for me to write at times. But it won't leave me be! It may take a while but it will all come out!

Elvensailor – thank you! I'm glad you are enjoying the subtle hints and allusions to who Annatar truly is!

* * *

The leaves on the trees were turning into their glorious fall color. Annatar had been with us for two years but so much had happened in that time it seemed like ten years. As the days grew shorter, my melancholia returned. I missed my mother and Kendriun. Ghost was also beginning to show his age and I feared that soon I would also be without the old mouse-catcher.

I was sitting by the fire reading one evening when Annatar paid me his weekly visit.

"Come in, come in," I opened the door for him, trying to keep the chill night air from invading my warm and cozy room.

He shook off the cold and removed his cloak. I hung it on the hook on the back of the door with my cloak. He drew a chair up to the fire and I sat back down in my chair.

"The weather is turning frightful," he rubbed his hands together and held them to the fire.

"Yes, the older I get the harder the winters are to take," I agreed.

"What are you reading?" he changed the subject, noticing the scroll I had laid aside on the table when I answered the door.

"Oh, it is a scroll on divining possible futures," I answered.

He looked at the partially unrolled scroll. "It's in Quenya!" He said surprised.

"Yes," I admitted. "It was one that you gave to Kendriun. He has many ancient scrolls besides the ones you so generously gifted to him."

Annatar smiled. "Does he have any more scrolls such at this?" He asked.

"Divination scrolls?" I asked, glad to have my mind onto matters that I could speak of with little pain.

"No, anymore scrolls in Quenya, besides the ones I gave him," he clarified.

I thought for a moment. "Most certainly but I cannot tell you what they contain without hunting them up. My mind is no longer that sharp," I said. "Would you like to see them?" I asked.

Annatar fairly beamed. "Yes, that would be lovely!"

We made our way up to the room of books and the two of us searched for all the Quenya writings we could find. Annatar examined each scroll and book carefully as I tried to give the room some simulation of order.

"Mikal!" he exclaimed and pointed to a scroll he had unrolled on the table. "Do you know what you have here?" he asked excitedly.

I put down the books I was holding and walked over to him, glancing at the scroll. "Some sort of history, it looks like," I said slowly, translating the Quenya.

"Indeed it is a history! It is a history of the Elven Rings of Power," his eyes fairly glowed.

"Rings of Power?" I repeated. Something stirred in my memory but dissolved as I reached out for it.

"Yes," he explained. "See, it says here that the Elves created the rings of power to ward off the decay of time," he pointed to the passage and I leaned over to read it for myself.

"That is interesting," I mused. I could not place the scroll for I was sure had I read such a thing I would remember it. "How could they make such things?" I wondered.

Annatar quickly scrounged through his pockets and pulled out the dragon head ring I had seen so long ago. It was even more beautiful than before if such a thing were possible.

He held it out in his palm and read the description on the scroll out loud, "Mithril it is, two dragons heads coming together. A stone of unclouded ruby betwixt them." The description continued but there was no doubt that it was the same ring Annatar held in his palm.

We stared at each other.

"Where did you get this?" I asked him.

"I purchased it from a Numenorean sailor in Andunie," he said. "Many years ago. He said that the Eldar had made it but I didn't believe him. It seemed too incredible."

He placed the ring on the scroll and we both stared at it for a long time.

"Put it on," he encouraged me in a low voice.

I frowned. "Have you not worn it?" I asked him.

"Yes, but I saw nor felt anything. Maybe in the proper hands it could reveal a great deal," he said.

Cautiously, I picked up the ring and examined it closely. Annatar held his breath.

I slipped the ring on my finger and immediately felt a warm comforting glow come over me.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. My vision suddenly became clearer than it had since mother had died.

"What is it?" Annatar asked anxiously.

"It's strange. I feel a warmth and my inner vision is clearer than I remember it," I said in surprise.

"Then you must keep it," he announced.

"Oh, I could not," I said but I was not too adamant about it.

"No," he said. "I insist. You were meant to have this all along I think," he smiled.

"Thank you," I said and held my hand out to admire the beautiful gift he had given me.

Contrary to popular belief, one did not just slip on the ring and immediately become an Ulairi. Alas, had it been that easy! The process was much more drawn out and torturous than any could believe unless they lived through it. Kendriun was right in that experience is ultimately the only way to understand.


	16. The Setup

A/N: It's getting to be that time of year when ones thoughts turn to the "other side of life". I'm hoping for a bit of inspiration from the change of seasons and the approach of Halloween!

ElvenPirate – Annatar creeps me out. This whole story creeps me out! But it just nags to be written. Glad you are enjoying it!

Archaic Scribe – Er, sorry. I thought I had put in the first chapter that Mikal is a man. (Mikal is actually a Scandinavian version of "Michael" from what I understand.)

* * *

If my memory serves me correctly, it was many long weeks before the accursed ring began it's foul task. Slowly, gradually so as not to alert me to it's ultimate intent it began to work its subtle evil in my life although it would be many long years before I could see this.

Over the following weeks, my mind became much sharper and I ceased to grieve for my mother and Kendriun. Initially, I believed that it was just the passage of time that healed my wounds but there was much more to it than that.

Make no mistake I missed them terribly! But I no longer felt I was cast adrift, abandoned and alone in the world. I felt as if I had a purpose. Annatar encouraged me to test my abilities – little did I know he was also testing me for his own nefarious purposes – to see how quickly the ring could be used to control someone based on their innate integrity.

You see I was his first human victim. Oh, there would be other men. They would be brought under his influence by desire, lust, greed and even promises of freedom. But I was his first. He was not sure if the ring would work at all because it had failed to ensnare elves or dwarves but he knew men to be weaker than they and he was determined to use mankind to bring the world under his dominion. But here I digress again and that story is best left to others. This is my tale only and I cannot speak for the other eight souls that are forever lost in the realms of shadow.

Where was I? Yes, testing my abilities. Annatar knew I thirsted for knowledge above all else and he encouraged this by telling me that Kendriun would be proud. Oh, yes, he knew exactly what to say to bring me ever closer to his ultimate victory!

I threw myself back into my studies (for that is what I would call them for many years in deference to Kendriun. I was still a mere apprentice in my mind.), more determined than ever to make my master proud.

Diligently, I set lessons for myself following Kendriun's path. I continued to study the ancient scrolls finding that Quenya came much easier to me. I found I no longer needed to painstakingly translate the words. I instantly knew and understood their meaning, no matter how subtle. This excited me and spurred me on to devour ever more of the scrolls and the knowledge they contained.

From the scrolls, I learned a great deal about the Elves and their history. It was quite fascinating but I never did discover the "secret" to their immortality (if there were such a thing). Annatar, of course, would periodically bring this up during his frequent visits, determined that there must be some earthy explanation for their long lives. We would discuss this matter until we came to our customary stalemate on the subject.

As the weeks turned to months, I grew ever more confident in my abilities and myself. No longer did I fear the Kings summons for advice. It seemed as if I could read his very thoughts and my mere presence seemed to comfort him. But these were peaceful times for our kingdom so my council was seldom needed. I began to feel a very powerful sense of well being and the King had come to trust me as he did Kendriun – as an advisor as well as a friend.

These were heady times for me. I still considered myself just an apprentice but I was beginning to understand Kendriun's confidence in me. Or I thought I did.

One early spring evening I was sitting by the fire reading a scroll when a faint movement caught my eye. I looked up and saw the seeing stone on the mantle. It had grown bright yet cloudy and as I gazed into it, an image came into focus. Again, I saw myself as an older man in fine robes but this time I was standing next to Annatar and not the King. The mithril ring was still upon my finger and my beard was white as snow. "What can this mean?" I murmured more to myself than the orb. After a few moments, the image faded and I was left more perplexed than ever at the vision. Where was the King in this scene? Before, I had been at his side but in this vision, I was at Annatar's side. What could it mean?


	17. The Secret to Immortality?

My spirits lifted with the temperature. It would be a fine summer if the beautiful spring were any indication. The soft spring rains would come at dusk, making a fine pattering noise on the roof and lull me to sleep. Ghost and I were happy and content.

Even Annatar seemed soothed by the fair weather and his questions regarding the scrolls, the ring and the elves were much more consiliatory. He did not press me for answers nor challenge my opinions like he had in the past. Little did I know that this was the calm before the storm!

I can still remember the colors of that year – the bright yellow of the daffodils against the green of the new grass and the glorious red tulips bursting with their vibrant color. I miss such simple things now and long to even hear the sound of a bird singing in the trees if only for a moment.

But my path has been chosen for me and I can no longer enjoy such things! I am cursed among men! Cursed to wander in this foul form, to do the bidding of a being so nefarious he is second only to Morgoth himself in wickedness! Never again will I feel the warm sun on my face or smell the scent of daisies in the air!

Had I only remembered my mother's suspicions and Kendriun's warnings! Both of them realized that Annatar was not all that he seemed. But both of them had been taken from me – Annatar had taken them from me. Yes! I know that now. He took them from me to leave me helpless and vulnerable to his attack.

Enough! I will not speak of this for it makes me angry even now. I cannot say that my life was "taken" from me. Had Annatar simply approached and demanded by submission, I would have refused. He knew this. He knew this the day he arrived in our fair kingdom and offered me this accursed ring so long ago. When I refused, he determined to find other ways to bring me under his influence. And find them he did! Were he not already condemned to the depths of despair, I would soundly curse him to that dreadful place!

One lazy spring afternoon after planting some herbs in my garden, I decided to take a short rest in the sunshine. I eased myself into Kendruin's old chair and began to relax, enjoying the warm sun on my face and the sounds of the birds in the trees. A faint smell of the stables hung on the air mingled with the smell of fresh bread from the kitchens. It seemed as if the entire world were contained in that one moment of time for me. My mind began to drift and wander as my body continued to relax and grow heavy in the chair.

A very odd feeling came over me – almost as if I were floating but I could still feel the hardness of the chair behind me. I tried to stand up and when I did, the floating sensation became much stronger and I found myself standing outside of my own body! I could see myself clearly there in the chair but I was looking at me as if I were someone else!

Instantly, I was back inside my physical form, eyes staring wildly about and my mouth gaping open for breath. I was terrified and exhilarated in the same moment! I had not experienced such a thing before although Kendriun had told me it was possible and that he had managed to accomplish this on several occasions.

Quickly I darted upstairs to the library, determined to search through Kendriun's old writings to see how he had accomplished this and how to control it. There were so many questions I had and no one to ask save for some old books and my master's writings.

Over the next few days, I searched high and low for all references to anything like this and found only a handful. Kendriun had, indeed, managed to separate himself from his physical body on a few occasions, saying it had happened when he was at once relaxed and yet very aware of his surroundings. Like having a waking dream. As I read I realized that he had begun experimenting with this sort of thing as he aged, perhaps trying to find a way to overcome the physical limitations of the physical body and ultimately death. This excited me even more! Perhaps there was a place where I could meet my master again and seek his advice!

His last notes on the subject intrigued me. Written on an old scrap of parchment and tucked away in one of the Quenya scrolls explaining how elves viewed the passage of time was this note: "The spiritual body does not age nor does it die. Elves are more spirit than flesh?"

The writing sent a shiver through me. I would recognize Kendriun's neat penmanship anywhere. Had he discovered the secret to their immortality? Why had he not spoken to me of this? Had he spoken of this to Annatar? I sat down heavily in a straight-backed chair holding the scroll and precious note in my hands, my mind a jumble of thoughts.

Had he truly discovered the secret to elven immortality? If so, was he still "alive" somewhere that I could speak to him? What about my mother? Did he forsee his own death and try to make himself "immortal" outside of his physical body? I blinked and looked at the note again. ". . . nor does it die." The passage taunted me. Now I was more determined than ever to re-create these circumstances and see just how much I could learn of this spiritual body if there were any hope of speaking to my master again!


End file.
